Inside

Why Love Doesn't Stop Fighting

2011-04-18T11:09:00.002-04:00

I remember hearing a woman whom I have great respect for tell me a few years back that love doesn't always know when to stop fighting. She said love by nature keeps fighting as long as there is even a mustard seed of hope remaining. She was telling me this as she was journeying with her son through all of his struggles with the law. What struck me at the time was that I watched her struggle - she knew her son was making bad decisions, she wasn't defending his actions. But as a mother, love rises to the surface to fight. Her love for her son was what allowed her to fight her inward struggle of not completely walking away from him. She chose tough love - she had to make those hard choices of watching him leave the home - even turning him into the cops at one point. But love always fought to remain within her spirit because that's what love does.
Though I've never had children, I believe this to be true. From the very voice that breathed man into existence, is the same being in which love came. The Father's nature of love is one that doesn't stop fighting.
It's hard to let go of what we have loved so deeply and hoped for so strongly. Intuitively love holds tight and steadfast sometimes even beyond the point of wisdom. And this I know for a fact, love doesn't always make sense. It isn't always a clear path to walk. Love is wide and full of dynamics that are sometimes just out of reach for us to understand. I guess that because love is who the Lord is, there is a mysterious depth to it that transcends so much of what we see and cognitively can comprehend.
When you love, you really do open yourself to a vulnerability that otherwise no person in their right mind would choose outside of the fact that we were created to love and to be loved.
I suppose love was never meant to be an easy journey rather a journey taking us deeper into the character of God.

Rite of Passage

2011-04-05T08:07:00.000-04:00

I was privileged to spend the last two days with a few other women and a couple of 16 year old girls to celebrate a very special young lady's "coming of age." We gathered around her, blessed her with words, covered her in prayer and simply had FUN together. It was precious and beautiful to me. This is one thing our Western culture has unfortunately not valued. But oh! how valuable it is.
I had a big 16th birthday party...and in a sense it was a "coming of age" party - the intent behind it was to celebrate the life I was stepping into.
Being on the other end this time around and being one of the ladies that was able to speak into her life, was very emotional and very moving. I love that there are those who are seeking to do this better...to understand the significance of under-girding and preparing our children for adulthood. There is a spiritual law of sowing and reaping that kicks into place when we do this. Sowing into the future will reap beautiful blessing.

Dream With Me

2011-04-01T09:05:00.000-04:00

I love dreaming. Here are some of my dreams:

To have all my family come visit me in Canada at least once while I'm living here (however long that may be). I'm quite proud of Ottawa.
To camp across North America for a summer
To scuba dive in the ocean
To run a 10k in less than 50 minutes
To go to Israel
To be apart of developing systems in third world countries that provide sustainable, eco-friendly living
Downsize my possessions to even less
Learn to enjoy winter
To not be a crotchety old person
Write and publish a book
Allow my faith to grow by taking more risks for the Kingdom
To be able to calculate numbers in my head
Learn another language well

What are your dreams?

Another chapter in my book

2011-03-12T08:50:00.000-05:00

Let me know your thoughts...
______________________________________
There were a lot of us. There always has been for as long as I can remember. We were often mixed up, names assigned to the wrong person. Ages would get lost after the first two were stated. It just became fact for me really. I simply had a lot of sisters. My home was complicated in dynamics. Though, I didn’t know that until I got older. When I was little, it was grand. I had older sisters and I had younger ones. But only ever sisters. We’d lay at night in bed (sometimes sharing beds) and would giggle, laugh, snort and do anything except go to sleep. We used to take road trips as a family in this big van that had a table in the back and the seats laid down to make beds (back when seat belts were more of a good idea than a law). I had no other frame of reference than the large, unique family I had. I remember my first few months at college where I wrestled with a very strange and unfamiliar sensation - men. I had never had to really deal with guys on a regular basis. I had never had brothers. And at the time, it all seemed so strange, their behavior, their communication, and their thought patterns. I had a hard time reconciling the world of women to the world of men. I just didn’t get it. I recall (with embarrassment) multiple conversations with my college guy friends about why they did what they did; emphasizing that I thought what they did was just ridiculous. And then I read a book - a really good book. One question has remained with me and has stuck out to me years later since the book, “Why do I expect men to behave and respond like women?” Good question. My frame of reference had to shift. I was wrong.
I’ve always been more black and white than grey in my thinking. For instance, I had this stuffed animal when I little. I insisted it was a stuffed donkey therefore his name was “Donkey.” My family tried, unsuccessfully to convince me it was actually a rabbit. I would have none of their suggestions. It was, without doubt and most obviously, a donkey. I pulled Donkey out of his dusty, old home a few years ago and realized, Donkey should have always indeed been Rabbit. In my mind, there were no other options, no other alternatives. It was as it was. Trying to re-convince me of any other opinions is like trying to stop a freight train. However, I am told, once I’m proven wrong, I openly admit I’m wrong and move forward with corrected thinking - never looking back to lick my wounds.
The make up of a human being, who we innately are - what we do, say, speak - the life long controversy of nature vs. nurture - am I the outspoken, black and white girl who is unmovingly confident until proven wrong because of my upbringing? Because of the DNA from two also very outspoken parents who hold strong beliefs? Am I me because of my culture? Yeah, sure! Why not? Seems obvious to me that all those things make up who I am. Would I have been more balanced in my approach to men if I’d had brothers? Yeah - probably. Would I be so black and white if I had been born in Canada rather than the States? Maybe not - but maybe yes? Would I love embracing the frustrating, joyous lifestyle of living in community if I had not come from a large, wonderfully strange family? I probably wouldn’t have known the beauty of heartache and the joy of sharing in dreams if I hadn’t. I can’t complain about my heritage, about my nurture, It is me. Though, those that know me, may have some complaints about my nature. For that, the only consolation I have to offer is that I am a working progress.

What Will We Get Out of It?

2011-03-06T16:51:00.000-05:00

"Then Peter said to him, 'We've given up everything to follow you. What will we get out of it?"
Matthew 19:27

Apparently, I've been asking the Lord this same question. I didn't know I was, until He started answering it. Inside the core of me, quietly sitting, waiting, watching, asking - this question has lived. Secret things are always a surprise when they show themselves. Through circumstances around me of watching friends walk through incredible grief and learning to pray as I've never done before, I began seeing surfaces of this question. New dimensions coming into light when I tiptoed onto a territory that for so long I've had a lot of fear in - trusting the Lord that when I open my hear to love, He will hold my heart. Again, this question becoming more loud and I becoming more aware of its existence inside of me.

You see, the spaces in which the Lord takes us are not often where we first choose to go. And its within the confines of a space that is uncomfortable, awkward and unfamiliar that I am forced to turn with full face to look to the One that brought me there. Many times I would turn and not get a satisfying response as to why He brought me into this place. Then this question lurking in the chambers of my belief system has finally awakened to show itself. I am beginning to realize, I really wasn't wanting to know why the Lord would bring me to these unfamiliar and strange places that I wouldn't have chosen to go on my own, but the earthquake question has always been, "What will I get out of it?"

In my world, I am all about me. In the disciples world, Jesus was trying to bring them out of the burdensome yoke of living in a world that centered around them. Peters asks this question - this question that is spilling over with unspoken emotion. The thing is, I don't actually live in my world. It has nothing to do with me. I chose His Kingdom a long time ago. Its simply been the patience of the Father that He has allowed me to journey this place to finally begin to understand that the question I've been asking is near-sighted. With much grace, Jesus answers that heaven awaits us. What more is there?

I've stopped for a rest on the journey. I am sitting on a bench, leaning down, plucking a blade of grass. As I sit straight to look at this one blade of grass, I look past the green blade to see beyond it to the road that is still ahead of me. I re-focus on the green blade. Plucked from its life-giving source, it is without hope. It withers the longer I hold it. I continue to look at the blade. Day becomes evening. That blade of grass holds nothing for me. If I choose to continue to focus on it, there is no hope for me in the end. It has nothing. I look up again, past the withering blade to the road ahead. Promise is beyond. I put down the blade of grass. I still sit on the bench looking ahead. I know that hope is beyond me - I choose to shift my focus beyond.

I couldn't tell you what will be met at the next leg of the journey. Despair, rain, bears, sunshine...but I trust there will be more benches to sit and rest and wait. I may not always walk as as quick as I'd like while journeying. I'd like to be there faster, but on this side of the journey, I am still human. As I stand up to start walking again, I ask the Father to bind to my heart the hope that He waits for me at the end. The glorious end when I will finally see its always been about Him.

A Life for A Life

2011-02-18T06:59:00.000-05:00

My cousin, Clint wrote this recent blog on his wife's (Jessica) blog page. I encourage you to read it. They have a young son and a newborn daughter. You may cry. You will be moved.

http://www.jessicacouncil.blogspot.com/

The Dream That Wasn't Supposed to Be

2011-02-16T08:14:00.001-05:00

In college, it was never a dream of mine to be single at 30 and live in a room and to be busy working many jobs, none of which "pay" in the traditional sense. I just assumed I'd be married by now, with kids and a home with a pretty fence and a yard and a hamster. What I didn't know then that I know now is that I'm so glad that "dream" wasn't really MY dream. It was what I assumed every woman's dream was. Now, 12 years later, I am just beginning to live my dream. I wouldn't reverse any of my life to get where I am now. Not a chance.

As life continues to unfold for me, I believe the Lord has been preparing me for something. I believe these 12 years have been preparation. I've lived simply and now I can't imagine living any other way. I'm still sorting this out and have no idea what this will look like or how it will all unfold, but I can tell you this - I don't want the American dream.

As a woman I appreciate pretty things - I was created to nurture beauty so of course I love beauty! I appreciate that we as women get excited about pretty dresses, matching living room sets, a fun array of shoes, etc. Nothing wrong with that...however, I'm realizing I want to create beauty differently. I want to leave a different legacy not in what I wear or own, but in what I give away. In how I steward my finances, my relationships, and even resources here on planet earth.

I am asking the Lord, as I look at living options, how can I continue to live simply while stewarding well and at the same time creating beauty in a radical way?

Lots of things are stirring inside of me...this is a new perspective for me and I'm brimming to see how the Lord unfolds this for me. I am so glad I'm living the dream that "was never supposed to be the dream."

Fighting for a Life the Only Way We Can

2011-02-01T08:37:00.000-05:00

Seriously, I have so much catching up on my blogs. Its been way too long and so much has happened. I've got 10 blogs trapped in my brain that are just waiting to be released right now. But there is only one as urgent as this.

Our youth pastor's family was in a serious car crash on Sunday evening. Their 2 year old son's life is at the mercy of God right now. He had major head injuries, went into immediate surgery and now we are all waiting...

I have been deeply impacted to watch my church and other Ottawa churches completely embrace this family. Prayer vigils were set up right away, food and money given, people gathering in the waiting room praying together...I am moved with how the Body or Christ has functioned. What has moved me the most is that my convictions are being shaken. I am confronted with the question, do I really believe that my prayers, my fasts, my cries out to God for mercy on little Luca's life will be heard? Sometimes, we do just have to go on the faith that God says He hears our prayers and therefore I am choosing to act in obedience to pray and be an advocate for his healing.

I don't know the outcome - none of us do right now. But it is an absolute privilege to join with my church family and to fight the only way we can right now.

Father - may you be glorified...

The Lesson of Humility that No One Wants

2010-12-01T13:57:00.000-05:00

Normally I consider myself laid back, not easily rattled. However, I am finding that there is anger hidden deep within me. And there exists on planet earth a few things that can instantaneously make that simmering anger erupt. For instance, technology. Yes, we all want to throw our computer out the window at times (has anyone ever done that?) and we can all bemoan together how frustrated life is with technology (knowing full well none of us can live without it). The rattle that I'm talking about is what I'm feeling at this exact moment. As I type, I feel heat radiating through my body. Tears stinging my eyes that I am refusing to let be released (nothing more than pride). And complete and total anger that I don't know how to fix the mad mess that I've gotten myself into with my computer. Do you really want to know what's at the root of the anger? It isn't about the computer. It is simply the fact that I have hit a limitation within myself. I have no idea how to move forward, or even back up for that matter. I am totally at my limitation and now I have to ask for help. Funny, I pray with people all the time about this matter of not wanting to reach out for help - I guess we all have this "anti-help" button buried somewhere deep inside of me. Why don't I like asking for help? Because usually I feel stupid. Not that the people who help me make me feel that way, but simply because I was the one who got myself into this mess and someone else has to take the time to get me untangled from my own shortcomings. I think the appropriate word to insert here would be a beautiful character word that all of us want but none of us want to journey through to get it: humility. I am just plain proud (and angry too I suppose).
Second thing that irks the very core of me and aboslutely rattles my cage: jerk drivers. Those people who are either intentionally jerks or who are unaware that they're jerks because they can't drive. Why do I get so angry? A few thoughts. Probably because they're an easy target. I don't know them. They can't hear me muttering in my car at them - in my mind they're a safe target. Other thought - I know I'm not a great driver and I hate that I'm like them sometimes. Pulling out in front of people, kicking the curb because I didn't realize it was so close, driving on someone's bumper, speeding up and then smashing the brakes, etc. I'm sure I do all those things. It irks me that I am that very person that we all get frustrated at.
So what is the point of this blog?
Good question. Actually, I just needed a healthy outlet to vent so I wouldn't throw my computer out the window.

As Intended

2010-11-21T15:37:00.001-05:00

I just returned this weekend from Residential 2 of my Arrow Leadership Training Course. I am being impacted by this two year course. It really is a journey (I know journey is an overused, cliche word, but it really fits the bill). As we met together on beautiful Keats Island off of British Columbia's gorgeous Pacific coast, we began doing community. Not just learning it - actually doing it.
I've always lived in community. I've never had my own place. I often take for granted that that is not the common way of life. I often take for granted that the people the Lord has surrounded me with are ones who invest, cheer and inspire me on. I have my own little fan club. Last week, I heard from my 20 other colleagues how rare that is to have a fan club. I heard heavy and lonely hearts hungry for community.
I realize I live a bizarre life in some ways. I do things that are strange. I'm ok with that. I'm the only one that has been called to my life. One of the areas that I am called to in my life is community. And I'm NOT the only one called to that. All of us as Christ Followers are called to that. Though I do think the Lord has called me to a pretty extreme sense of the word. I want to spend the rest of my life building bridges with people. From the person at the cash register in Loblaws who is really having a hard day - God help me to build a bridge rather than burn it. To my new friends at Arrow who are struggling (like me) to do ministry well and need community to lean on. I want to be a bridge builder.
I am emotional just thinking of how much we miss out on when we choose not to do community. When we are not intentional to seek it out, to build it, and most challenging to invest in it, we miss out on the whole purpose of the Body of Christ. We've been called to community. It's as the Lord intended. And it sure is beautiful when we allow the Lord to build His church within us and through us.
For those of you reading this (including my Arrow buddies), I count it an honour to do life with you...You bring me joy!

The "I Want it" but "I Don't Want it" Syndrome

2010-11-07T07:12:00.001-05:00

Maybe its a gender syndrome...women are notorious for not knowing what they want. But in this case, I don't think it's gender biased. I have given the Lord permission to some really deep places of fear in me. I want it, but I don't want it. The fear still whimpers in hidden corners. It plays a mournful, pitiful song and pouts that its not fair that the Lord should have such intrusive access. But then there's Me - Lauren. Lauren that is so aware that there is more for me and that it is indeed my own fear that is holding me back from more of who the Lord is. I've asked Him to make me more sensitive, more tender to His Spirit's leading. More awakened to the light of who He is. I've asked for it! And yet, with perplexity and some frustration, a little place is still mumbling and complaining in me.
This season started with the writing of this blog. I didn't anticipate such a depth. I really should have when I surrendered... I guess I am taken back that there is still a place in me that shrinks back in fear.
"For we are not of those who shrink back and are destroyed, but we are of those who have faith and are saved." Hebrews 10:39.

I'll be honest with you, I'm fumbling more than I thought I would to submit to what I feel the Lord stirring deep within me. I am grieved that I have bought into the lie more than I realized I have. The lie simply stating that the world has something to offer me.
It is the Lord's grace that I am here, in this season sooner rather than later. The Lord is pursuing me to save me from my own down fall. It is His grace that He is persistently asking me to take His hand. I know where He is leading me...He is leading me to a life that will have less of the security of this world. Less of the comforts of this world. Less of me, more of Him.
Part of me is embarrassed that this has been a harder surrender than I expected, and part of me is relieved that He is taking the time to save me from my own sinful oblivion.

Don't read the book Crazy Love by Francis Chan unless you're ready to be embarrassed by the reality of your lifestyle. Don't read the book The Power of the Blood Covenant by Malcolm Smith unless you're ready to have lies surfaced. And definitely don't give the Lord permission to have full access to you - holding nothing back unless you're ready to have your world turned upside down.

Pray for me...I want to be faithful.

Surprised By Love

2010-10-18T17:40:00.001-04:00

In the wake of a new revelation, glimmers of hope begin rummaging through the crevices of my thoughts. A new revelation of truth slides in underneath the cracks of doors that I thought were sealed shut. Light finds its way into even the darkness and oldest of memories. I wonder how I can still have places within me that are still untouched by the truth of who my Father really is. He certainly knows me better than I know myself. He comes in so unexpectedly - like the wind at the ocean that whips your hair in your face and momentarily blinds you. That moment of surprise is also mingled with utter marvel. How could a Father be so kind, yet so immovably persistent? So gentle yet so forcefully convincing? So shockingly white with truth and yet so mysteriously appealing? The only explanation I can give is that my spirit has always known what my mind is still racing to comprehend. From the very same breath that gave me life, that same breath continues to speak life into my spirit day after day. It is not a foreign, abstract breath that continues to pour life into me. His breath is fantastically familiar! My spirit has known Him from the very beginning. I was meant to have the fullness of my Father sewn into my very core. I am not me without Him. And yet, I still find myself surprised by His love for me.

My Playground

2010-09-26T08:42:00.003-04:00

I used to work at Barnes and Noble (similar to Chapters in Canada). It was one of my first jobs. I have fond memories of working there. Mostly because I was surrounded by books. I love books. I love to see the spines poking out with their different colours, fonts and enticing titles. I would roam up and down, back and forth brushing my hand against the books. Pulling out those that looked promising. I would open the book right in the middle and jump into the storyline. A good story is hard to beat. Even harder to beat, are the magic of words brilliantly put together. Something happens as I step into a writer's world and have the privilege of enjoying the labour of their creativity. I feel as if I know the writer just a tad because I am given a sense of who they are by marveling at their word usage. I equate it to second hand clothes shopping. Hunting in store after store, rummaging through rack after rack for that one, fantastic find. In language, there's this life-size box of words all waiting inside. The best are hidden at the bottom, dusty and rarely used (maybe even for centuries). Writers are those individuals who are eccentrically excited to throw their whole self inside the box to wade all the way to the bottom of the box to find that one, inexplicably beautiful word. They will create a sentence just to make the word fit.

Let me introduce you to three of my all time beloved authors and show you why they are genius (each in their own, unique style).

Take, for instance, this:
"From the very beginning, from the first moment, I may almost say, of my acquaintance with you, your manners impressing me with the fullest belief of your arrogance, your conceit, and your selfish disdain of the feelings of others, were such as to form that ground-work of disapprobation, on which succeeding events have built to immoveable a dislike; and I had not known you a month before I feft that you were the last man in the world whom I could ever be prevailed on to marry." (Jane Austen, Pride and Prejudice). Most of us know and recognize these words instantly. Austen (one of my literary heroins) has breathtaking wordsmith capabilities.

Or perhaps you'll recognize this author for his unmistakable frankness and exciting imagination:
He took a long drink and then (I know this sounds shocking, but it isn't if you think it over) he ate nearly all the dead dragon. He was half-way through it before he realized what he was doing; for, you see, though his mind was the mind of Eustace, he tastes and his digestion were dragonish. And there is nothing a dragon likes so well as fresh dragon. That is why you seldom find more than one dragon in the same country. (CS Lewis, The Voyage of the Dawn Treader).

And maybe less universally known but still an absolute joy to read, James Herriot, the British Veterinarian (excerpt from The Best of James Herriot ).
"What's the trouble?" I asked.
I heard a muttered consultation at the far end.
"He says its leg's gone funny."
"Funny? What d'you mean, funny?"
Again the quick babble of voices. "He says its kind of stickin' out."
"All right", I said, "I'll be along very soon."
It was no good asking for the dog to be brought in. Arnold had never owned a car. Nor had he ever spoken on a telephone - all our conversations had been carried on through the medium of Miss Thompson. Arnold would mount his rusty bicycle, pedal to Hainby and tell his troubles to the postmistress. And the symptoms; they were typically vague and I didn't suppose there would be anything either "funny" or "sticking out" about that leg when I saw it.

I've never enjoyed libraries. The academia atmosphere with the old school Dewey Decimal system is a quick kill on the creative mind. However, wandering into a bookstore, meandering through the aisles, handling the books with tender care, peeking into the chapters to marvel at the language is a place of inspiration to me. I don't buy many books (unfortunately, books are too large, heavy and cumbersome to keep for a vagabond traveler like myself), but I surely can eat up pages. I have a favourite site in Carleton Place called "Reads Bookshop" that also houses coffee. Not much in life is better than books mingled in with coffee. The over-stuffed chair, a piping hot mug in hand, and books piled within arm's reach to muse over is a beautiful thing. I thank God that He gave the mind a sport so wickedly fun to relish in. Words are a wonderful, wonderful thing...

What a Daughter Is Supposed to Know

2010-09-23T15:07:00.001-04:00

I've recently gotten home from travels through the States. I begin to feel a bit overwhelmed when I've not kept up with my blogging - I feel the weight of the past few weeks that want to be communicated and all my thoughts tend to collide at once. Sorting through how to spell back what's been happening internally gets harder the longer I go without letting it out. Ah, the plight of a writer I suppose ;0)

This time of year brings transition. It's no secret I love summer. Fall becomes not only a physical transition, but an emotional one too. I wish I could live in a glass greenhouse my whole life that's hot and humid. That would be mint. But I can't - so I'm learning to appreciate that which doesn't have much intrinsic value to me - winter (well at least it doesn't have value yet to me).

As I'm mentally and emotionally preparing for the months ahead, I'm still processing what the Lord has been teaching me this summer. He is my Father. Did you know I feel so well taken care of? So secure. So thankful. I didn't realize how much I wasn't enjoying His care in my life. As He's been taking me on this journey of discovering how good of a Father He is, I'm amazed at how little I've understood this in the past. I didn't know I wasn't allowing Him to Father me. Though I'm still figuring this out, its absolutely changed my perspective. I am so cared for, so sought after, so wanted, so delighted in. I haven't done anything. But this very deep place inside of me wakes up in the morning knowing I am His. I belong. I didn't even know there was a part of Lauren that wasn't belonging. But now that I belong, I realized where I wasn't.

Walking in this new identity, values have begun shifting. I am not "needing" so much anymore. Not that I had lots of stuff to my name, but life is getting even more simpler. For so long I struggled to have a job that paid so I could get my own place. Not a bad desire. However, the Father is now creating Home in me. I feel at Home. Now that I know my Father, home has become internal. Fruit of that revelation is quite beautiful. Externally, there are less anchors in my life tying me down.

I have a new mandate. Here it is in all its glory:
Live simply. Give generously. Be thankful.

In Response to Facebook

2010-09-23T14:34:00.000-04:00

Thanks for the comments on your Facebook thoughts and experiences. All very legitimate and good opinions.

I still remain undecided. But that's not to say it won't change...

Facebook Abstinence?

2010-09-05T17:15:00.000-04:00

I am a Facebook virgin. I have never had a FB account. I will confess though, that I have used my sister's account and creeped.
I'm stuck in between two conflicting worlds. A good friend recently asked me if I've made a judgment against FB (thanks Arlene). Ummm, yeah, I definitely have.

I'm told that I'm missing out. "On what exactly?" I ask. On pictures, on catching up with high school friends, on playing games, on seeing who's making chocolate chip cookies tonight? Nope - don't feel I'm missing out on any of those points. However, to be fair, FB does have a lot to offer (at least that's what I'm told).

I'm interested in a dialogue for any of you who read my blog. Why do you facebook? Why don't you facebook? I have my reasons for keeping my abstinence, however, am open to hearing others opinion...

I Love your comments!

2010-08-22T08:32:00.000-04:00

I appreciate each of you who have posted comments...I read them all and take each one to heart. Please do post comments - whether they are encouraging or challenging. I am intentionally setting myself to be vulnerable in my writings so I can grow and learn and because I feel the Lord has asked me to!

Thanks for being my fans!

Excerpt #3 - from my book

2010-08-18T15:34:00.000-04:00

PROLOGUE or PRELUDE? - Does anyone know the difference in what these two words mean? The idea is that the below excerpt will go at the opening of the book.

Excerpt #3
___________________________________________________
The smell of rain often stirs something deep inside of me. I wish I could label that stirring, that emotion it elicits. But its a different feeling each time. And I suppose some things were never meant to be labeled. Usually I just accept that the feeling or emotion remains out of reach. Maybe you’re like me, maybe you’re not; smells have always been intimate for me. They are storage for memories of times past or days ahead still dreamed of. A smell can take me back instantly to when I was eight years old building a castle of pine needles in the woods behind my house. I can remember the feel of the sticky pine sap on my fingers and the sweet smell as I would bring my hand to my nose and take it in. I would gather lush and vivid colored moss in bits and parts and carefully piece them together to mold into a rug embracing the inside of my hand-spun castle. I would then lay my body gently on the moss, close my eyes, whisper songs, dream and breath in the pleasant earthiness (sometimes if the moss was too wet, the smell wasn’t very pleasant). Even when Mom would bring home a brand new magazine, I loved to be the first one to hold it. I would take each page between my thumb and index finger and rub to hear the familiar creak of newness. Then (making sure no one was looking), would bend down and breathe in the smell of the fresh pages, feeling the warmth of it.
Smells also open a window to dream. I’ve always been a dreamer and a romantic. Mom used to threaten to send me to school in my PJ’s because rearranging the furniture in my dollhouse was much more important than getting ready for school. She never understood how vital it was for me to have my room in order every morning if the Queen should come to visit while I was away at school. Smells have always been apart of dreaming for me. That’s why the air after rain often makes me hesitate for a brief moment. A quick space in time just long enough to relive a memory or to smile at a lingering dream.

LIfe at it's Best

2010-08-16T19:07:00.003-04:00

I am rocking in my hammock (thank you Mamae and Papai!) with my laptop bobbing with me. I'm swaying. I hear rustling, almost a crackling of the leaves as they respond to the breeze. I hear the Peterkins dog scrounging around hoping I will notice her and throw what used to be a green but is now a wet, drippy, brown tennis ball so she can fetch it. I see mosquitoes zooming in for a bite. I habitually swat at them - pests. I smell (oh this is my favourite part), I smell sun. Sun that was hot and bold earlier today but is now tiring out and making room for night. I smell wet ground, musty and earthy. I smell pine, crisp and fresh. I smell smoke on my already-worn-way-too-many-times jeans from the campfire that I enjoyed yesterday. And I taste the leftovers of garlic and onions (I think I often use too much when I cook) from supper in my mouth.

I suspect in about an hour, I'll make another campfire beside the house in the rusty, old tire ring that the Roths picked up (thank you Roths!), find an appropriate stick and lob a fat marshmallow on the end and proceed to make my most anticipated summer dessert. Whoever invented s'mores is a hero in my books.

There's not a thing I would change right now.

Excerpt #2 - From my book

2010-08-10T10:12:00.001-04:00

What do you think? Am I too harsh?
___________________________________________

I moved to the Great Canadian North about four and half years ago. The expected annual shock of winter to my system still creeps in on me like a thief once a year threatening to kill joy, even though every Fall I try to prepare for it. I hate that I don’t always appreciate things until they’ve slipped from my hands. However, I never appreciated the magic of the sun living in the Southern United States until I left it behind for Canada. The way you wake up in the morning knowing the weather was one of two ways: hot or hotter. I used to slip out the door on my way to school after just having a shower and sweat would start its immediate leakage into every awkward, unwanted nook and cranny on my body. That was just the way it was growing up. Funny what becomes romantic when you no longer deal with it.

What I did not expect with the transition, was myself feeling a lostness, homelessness if you will. After making the move to Canada, for the first year, I felt I was still working through ambiguous culture shock. Communication was approached with a more indirect and diplomatic style than where I grew up. Reigning in my tongue to seek diplomacy has never been a gift I can boast about. It still takes intentionality on my part to be “diluted” in my speech (that’s probably an unfair word to use). I was also surprised to find that there wasn’t a Christian Bible Study that met in every Starbucks on Thursday mornings. And a very, very small part of me missed the comfort of seeing the “In case of rapture, this car will be unmanned” bumper stickers. But probably the biggest thing I miss is the risk factor that the American culture generates. Americans are unafraid to try something new, be bold about it and then the whole world knows when a mistake is made. I appreciate that. Probably because I still seem to have a frustrating compulsion to operate under those premises.

I used to run into the occasional Canadian who, with too much enjoyment and bliss would recall back to me all the stupid, insipid things Americans do as tourists. They’d laugh, give a snort here and there, and slap my arm to rally my own humour. I would remain unamused. It is not entertaining to hear those same stories of the Americans coming to the Canadian border in July with their snow suits asking where the closest ski hill is. I didn’t find that funny the first time I heard it and I didn’t find it funny the 32nd time I heard it.
Ok, to be fair - now, four and half years later, I don’t hear those dumb American stories much anymore. Most people have forgotten that I’m one of “them” from the other side of the imaginary line. And well, to be honest, I like these Canadians, despite their un-funny sense of humour. And (at the risk of being disowned by my family) I am slowly becoming more Canadian in my mannerisms and ways. I prefer to think of myself as morphing into the perfect, appealing blend accepting only the finest and best from both cultures.

The Longing That Whispers

2010-08-08T20:39:00.000-04:00

I woke up this morning hearing a faint voice - well it wasn't really a voice. But it was calling my heart. As I struggled to wake up and grab a hold of it, I realized it was a longing. It was the longing for my HOME - for eternity. I smiled a sleepy smile. For just a brief moment, I relished in the warmth of the knowledge that someday I will be where I was created to live. And even tonight as I journaled, I smiled again as that brief whisper, calling, longing returned and I am reminded with sweet excitement that I am created for eternity's purposes. Just for this season, I live in the in-between. Just for this time I live outside of my HOME.
C.S. Lewis calls it "The Shadowlands." Ecclesiastes says, "...He has planted eternity in the human heart..." (chapter 3 verse 11). Casting Crowns calls it "Caught in the Middle." It is the most sacred yet most misunderstood ache at the heart of man. The faint yearnings of eternity that usually go unnoticed. Most of the time I'm too busy or too frantic to notice when the Lord graciously whispers that hope into my ears. That precious feeling of knowing, someday I will see my Saviour face to face. Someday I will feel my Father's hand on my shoulder.
It's only when I'm alone, when I'm quiet and even in those lonely moments when I feel the breathe of eternity. In those times of reflection, of setting aside the day that the Father leans down and says, "Remember what's ahead for you. Take heart..."

The longing, the faint whispers of eternity - those are my most treasured thoughts.

The Art of Standing Still While Moving Forward

2010-08-05T08:20:00.002-04:00

It's been a hazy fog for quite a few months now. The problem with fog is you have to lay low to see through it better. In more ways than one, I feel I've been laid low, pressed against the earth slowly inching, inching...Towards what, I'm not sure.
I've been caught up in the mechanics of life, the things that should happen before the big 3-0 celebration. The expectations of self and culture have been setting my standards. I shifted into high gear to prove independence, success and advancement in life. The birthmark of the world has been my identity for awhile now.

Without notice, but with unvoiced permission, resentment was invited in through the back door. I began resenting the stages of the journey the Lord has had me on. The simplicity of my economic lifestyle. The abnormality of my job and the different responsibilities it carries. I became discontent in the relationships around me - looking for...for, that's just the thing - I had no idea what I was looking for. But gosh darn it, I was feeling entitlement to something and I was going to get every entitlement that I deserved. Flavour was seeping out of life. I had one major target of my anger and resentment - God. I was disappointed. I had big plans for my life to be successful. Big plans to take on the world. I created a list and was diligently checking off every item on that list that He had neglected to do. Day after day, I held that list to Him shaking it in his face. He wasn't operating with Time, He was working against it - therefore working against me.

He shouldn't have been so kind. I was struggling in my prayer time, waving that stupid list of my grievances against Him, when I heard that still, small voice so tenderly and patiently speak to me. "You haven't asked what I want for you." My whole being jerked to a halt in that moment. My first feeling - shame. Have I really been speaking to my Lord this way? My second thought, "Why is He being so kind?" I didn't deserve the grace with which He called to me. The incredible tenderness in which He spoke my name and invited me back into a place of submission with Him. The way He simply asked if I was willing for His purposes to be worked out in my life. I felt in those moments (the shame was very fleeting) humbled that He would still take the time to be so kind.

I wish I could say that then and there I was able to offer all my desires to the Lord. But, interestingly enough, it still took me a week to relinquish every dream, every hope and every place of expectation to the Lord. I'm still learning to trust! That revelation has been so eye-opening for me. Am I really still learning to trust? The idea of it seems so elementary, so rudimentary! I was still afraid that once relinquished, every dream would be lost into an abyss and never seen again. How wrong I was.

The Lord delights in the fact that I dream. He loves that I have desires and have enough passion for life to actually care. But, I'm realizing, I'm not built to be the dream carrier, He is. He is built to carry my dreams for me under His covering, under His protection and under His gentle care. Once brought under the submission of my Father, my dreams have taken on a whole new taste. They are sweeter than ever! As I allowed myself to trust Him, He reached down and pulled me up from the ground where I was fighting to see underneath the fog. He stood me up, straight and tall and said, "This isn't a season to be belly crawling. This is a season to stand still while moving forward. Look up and look out." As I lifted my eyes, I looked out, beyond the fog. I could see over it!   I can't tell you anything more about what the next week or year will look like. However, I can tell you this, I'm standing still right now, looking out over the fog. My feet are planted firmly, but funny, somehow, I feel like I'm moving forward.

My dear friend Julie sent me this verse in a card. Thank you Julie - it has realigned truth in my heart.

"and He will give you all you need from day to day if you live for Him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." Matthew 6:33

Excerpt #1 - from my book

2010-07-31T10:34:00.003-04:00

My book is a "Life Essay" i.e. Autobiography (but that word sounds so much more droll than Life Essay!) It is my journey.

Would love feedback on the below excerpt - grammar, word usage, content, does it make sense, is it boring, wordy...
_______________________________________
A name is a respecter of persons - or so I’m told. Apparently, a long time ago, they would sometimes wait until a baby began showing personality before they would name the child. The name would then be based on the child’s character and individuality. I don’t know why my parents chose my name other than they liked the sound of it. It seemed to me there was nothing special or romantic about choosing my name (or so I thought). It didn’t seem worth all the misspellings on the first day of school. Or how the Sunday school teacher would always call me "Laurie". My friend in the first grade was Lisa. No one said her name wrong. No one even spelled it wrong. Lisa was a great name. I asked her while we were playing outside for recess one day if she minded if I used her name as my name too. She shrugged her shoulders and said she didn’t care. I was pleased. However, upon returning home from school and stating my declaration to be called “Lisa,” my parents were not impressed. My new name ceased to exist. When I was in high school I looked into what my name meant. Lauren means “crowned with laurels.” Suddenly, my name took on definition and I began to find ownership in it. There was a heritage, a royalty in being crowned.

From as far back as I can remember, I wanted to know that I was unique. Somehow that I had a purpose written by the hand of God himself over my heart. I wanted to know that if you put me in a life size can and shook me all up inside, that what spilled out of me when you opened the can was beautiful and inspiring. Sure being pretty was definitely a dream (what girl doesn’t dream about beauty?). Was it possible to go beyond just the form and the face and that beneath, behind and around the external I was molded together with whispers of destiny spoken into me before I was even born? The thought of having such a life seemed almost too good to be true. I can still hear those cravings tugging at my spirit. Even now as a woman, the yearning to hold, and possess within me such essential purpose boils over into awe that it could be true. Could it actually be true that I have been created with sublime purpose? I also hear the rattle of the lies below that have been there for as long as I can remember. I can hear the squeals of laughter that spit out from somewhere deep inside of me, a place that scares me. Laughing over the very thought of this little Lauren being of consequence. Those peals of laughter are so loud and clamorous some days that I feel the weight of disappointment descend heavy on me. Sometimes I carry the dark blanket of hope deferred, listening to the deafening voices of despair. “Not you, not in this lifetime,” they tell me. “Only on the perfect shores of eternity can you be that purposeful someone”. And yet, even on those dark, consuming days, there is sewn (long ago I think) into the fabric of my being, hope. Hope that the truth stands stronger and taller than the lies.

Who Stole My Creativity?

2010-07-30T14:25:00.002-04:00

In grade 8 I had an art teacher who was, well, mean. She was probably in her 70's (why wasn't she retired?) and I believe had stopped caring about students a long time ago. Even art seemed like a dismal and past love that no longer carried passion in her heart.

I used to love to draw and paint. I entered into a brand new school in grade 8 having just moved from North Carolina to Texas. I was so excited to take art. I could not wait to improve my skills. I remember the first day of class, all of my excitement came crashing down as she made it very clear class would be run in a very militant style and we were here to perform for her. At the end of the semester, I did finally have one picture that made her "Wall of Fame." That picture was the last picture I've done. My love for art stopped in her classroom.

Something similar happened with my passion to write. I've always loved writing. I used to scratch poems and short stories during class when I was supposed to be taking notes. I've journaled for as long as I can remember. And though I still journal, the love of creating something powerful with words was lost long ago. Who killed my creativity? What happened? Here's a little theology lesson on what I believe happened to me and happens to many of us. Heads up: this is probably a bit controversial (bear with me). I encourage feedback, whether you agree or don't agree. Discussion is good! You can leave a comment on my blog if you're ok to have it public or you can send me an email if you prefer to have it private.

I believe the Lord created humans in His image. He is a triune God (Father, Son and Holy Spirit). We are triune beings (spirit, soul, and body). I realize there is a whole theology based on this with those who are Dichotomist (believing we are only soul and body) and like myself who are trichotomists (body, soul and spirit). I believe our body consists of flesh, muscles, bones (pretty obvious). Our soul consists of our mind, will, and emotions. And our spirit is the place that we communicate with God, it is the deepest, most intimate part of us. It consists of our identity and our creativity.

Sometimes in life things happen that can hurt us, or set us back. This can often cause a crushing in our spirit and often the result is that our creativity gets stunted or stops all together. I can recall in high school when I stopped writing. I was going through a difficult time and was very confused about life, my family, and who I was and what was truth. I went into somewhat of a depression, turned to TV and food as a place of comfort and began to quietly shut down on the inside without even realizing it. My writing stopped. My storytelling (I used to tell stories to my younger sisters at bedtime) stopped. The crafts I would fashion together from inventive home resources ceased to exist. In fact, most of my passions began to fade away. I slowly curled inside myself.

It has been a slow journey of allowing the Lord to begin to heal some of those past wounds. Words spoken over me that made me feel insecure in my creativity. I have been praying for the past three years that the Lord would resurrect my creativity. My desire is to use the gifts He's given me and to be free to play in my creativity. This past weekend, I was sitting outside just after a sweet, summer rain. I was journaling. I felt the Lord tenderly ask me if I was ready to start writing again. And then He placed a book on my heart. He began to formulate words, and a strong motivation to start writing. So I did! Last weekend I started writing a book. I don't know if it will ever be published. That isn't the point right now. Right now, I know He is answering my prayer. He is resurrecting my creativity and I love it!

My boss, John Haley (thank you John!) suggested I start blogging some of my writings. What a fantastic way to start improving my skills and to start getting feedback.

I am inviting you to join me on my creativity journey. You can subscribe to my blog (you have to join an account with one of the groups in the drop box under "subscribe to my blog") or you can add my blog to your "favorites" or "bookmarks" page on your explorer, safari or firefox browser.

As I mentioned, I INVITE your feedback. Positive, negative, I love discussion. I realize its a vulnerable place to start sharing my writings. I feel a little exposed and know I subject myself to everyone's opinions. I'm ok with that - so please feel free to share. And it will be my discipline to blog writings often. I will blog a wide variety of things: short stories, poems, journals, thoughts, prayers, etc.

More than anything, I pray my writings inspire faith, hope and truth inside of you. And if you've been stunted in creativity, I pray it begins to stir a longing inside of you...

Any Fans?

2010-07-26T13:11:00.000-04:00

So - does any one read my blogs??

Getting Audited

2010-07-20T10:07:00.000-04:00

The government of Canada is auditing ACCI (as I type actually). The lady who has been coming to do the audit has been very professional yet easy to work with. Hallelujah! However, an audit with the government is not fun.

It looks like we'll be busy tightening up on some areas, rearranging a few things and mostly getting some administrative details done. But overall (as far as I can tell now), it hasn't been as bad as I feared.

All of this is such a learning curve...

Whew! Who knew running a non-profit was so much work! ;0)

I LOVE Summer!

2010-07-19T13:38:00.000-04:00

What more can I say?

I'm outside as much as possible and absolutely love that this year we've had such a hot summer.

I feel it is God's gift to me...thank you God!

This is Canada Day

2010-07-03T09:09:00.001-04:00

The above picture is of Canada's cool military fighter jets called "Snowbirds." At least I think that's what they're called - someone wanna help me on that? And as you can see, they're so fast, I could only get their tracks on camera. The fighter jets are even painted a fire red!
Anyone for a ride?

This guy was kept so busy giving out hugs, I had to wait a long time just to get him un-hugging long enough to get a picture of the sign. Great idea! However, I did not want to hug a strange man.

I love this picture (above). I think this is what superheros look like when they're feeling not so "super."
The Queen was actually visiting on Canada Day. I was so excited. I've never seen the Queen before. As you can see from above picture, that was as close to where she was (the Clock Tower is where she was) as I could get. I did see her on the big screen. And one little girl remarked about how cool the Queen's hat was. No kidding - this woman is the epitome of cool hats.
This picture above could've easily been my mom pulling me when I was 4 years old - just some blue added in there. A different time, and a different country...
He actually looks a little scary...

Wakeboarding and Earthquake!

2010-06-24T08:59:00.000-04:00

I went wakeboarding for the first time a few nights ago with friends Tim, Tim and Cristy. I had sooo much fun! Surprisingly, I had no problems getting up and was even starting to learn how to carve before we ran out of gas in the middle of the lake and had to swim/push/pull with ropes the ski boat back to shore. I can't wait to do more!

Yesterday, we had an earthquake! It was crazy. I've been through an earthquake before but didn't feel it. This time, we all felt it! It's so bizarre being in an earthquake, everything tremors and then boom! Shaking. Funny enough (I can be a strange bird sometimes), I was doing prayer ministry with someone in the basement of a ministry centre and I kept thinking, someone must be vacuuming upstairs. Must have been some HUGE vacuum!

First Nations Forgive Canada

2010-06-13T21:34:00.000-04:00

I was apart of Canadian history this weekend. Thousands of Native Canadian and non-Natives gathered in Ottawa this weekend to speak out to the Canadian government that they forgive Canada for the residential schools and the inhumane treatment they received years ago.

They had government delegates and diplomats and Steve Harper appeared on video. The Chief of Indian Affairs Canada signed a "Forgiven Document" along with Kenny Blacksmith (the Native who started this initiative).

A couple of years ago, Steve Harper (Canada's Prime Minister) issued a formal apology to the First Nations for the injustices forced on them in sending them to residential schools. After that apology was issued, Kenny Blacksmith began traveling throughout the Native Communities in Canada to rally a forgiven statement.

I was blown away with what this means spiritually for the First Nations people of Canada. I pray there is a blessing that the Lord pours out over the First Nations community for choosing to forgive.

Rockin' Concert!

2010-06-08T08:54:00.000-04:00

Last week, Tracy and Stephen Peterkins and myself went to the Newsboys and Audio Adrenaline concert. It was sooo much fun. I was given backstage passes to meet both bands. I'm pictured above with Mark (lead singer of Audio A). He lost his voice a few years ago so isn't able to sing much but still travels as the Lord has given them a phenomenal message to share.

We had seats right at the stage. Michael Tate (who used to sing for DC Talk) now is the lead singer for Newsboys. So it was like 3 of my fav bands all playing the songs I grew up with. It was seriously so much fun. Tracy and I danced our hearts out (I was sweating at the end). The younger kids there (such as Stephen and his friends) didn't have a clue as to a lot of the songs played (they're just too young to know ;0)
This concert was a surprise gift that the Lord knew I would enjoy!!

Ottawa Race Weekend

2010-05-31T11:54:00.000-04:00

On Saturday evening, I ran the Ottawa 10K with just under 10,000 runners. It was a mad, chaotic, but fun race!

I put myself in too slow of a pace group at the start line, so for 20 minutes was literally fighting my way behind all the slow people to try to work my way up to be able to run at my pace. I realized after 20 minutes that I wasn't going to be able to make up that time to run my personal best. So, needless to say, I didn't beat my best record, but I did have fun!

Finished in 53 minutes. Out of 5,020 females in the race, I finished 650th.

First Week at Arrow Leadership

2010-05-22T11:21:00.001-04:00

I flew out to Vancouver, BC and met my 21 other class members at the airport and from there we took a water taxi to the beautiful Keats Island where we stayed at Barnabas camp. It was truly a magnificent view! Some of the biggest trees I've ever seen. Keats Island is a West Coast Rainforest. Notice how the roots of this tree are like above the ground??

I was so impacted by the week of teachings, mentoring and time to reflect. The leaders and staff at Arrow are men and women with integrity, passion and truth. I could not be more privileged to learn under such a strong team of leaders.

I loved hanging out with pastors, youth pastors, Salvation Army officers, para-church leaders etc that were all within 15 years of my age. I don't think I've had that much fun in a long time.

What am I walking away with? So much! But one big thing that has been shifting in me is to not live and lead from fear. The Lord is beginning to instill a new confidence in me of learning to trust His strength.

My next Arrow week residential is in November. Until then I have assignments, mentors and group clusters that I'll be doing/meeting with. Thank you for praying - I am so blessed!

Personal Best Race Time!

2010-05-13T12:03:00.000-04:00

Because I'm too cheap to buy any of these photos (don't really want them anyways) you can go to the link below to see me just before I'm crossing the finish line at the "Where's Franktown" race last weekend. Cold, wet, nasty day, but I did my PB (personal best)!

http://inmysights.zoomphoto.ca
Click on "Where's Franktown" Event
My bib number is 3712 to search for 3 pictures of me

Finished in 51 minutes!

Last weekend of May, I'll be running the Ottawa Race 10K. My goal is to finish in 50min or under.

Funny But Not

2010-05-12T08:22:00.001-04:00

Check out this link:

http://vimeo.com/11501569

How'd it go?

2010-04-13T10:54:00.000-04:00

Lots of you are asking how my prayer ministry time was...

It was very good. We spent time going through foundational things. Going through the generations and praying through quite a bit of stuff. The Lord highlighted 2 areas that I wasn't even aware had affected me as a child. I am very blessed and feel encouraged!

I'm getting Help and Healing!!!

2010-03-30T20:02:00.001-04:00

So, my second volunteer job is working with Ellel Ministries. I help walk people through spiritual, emotional and sometimes physical wholeness and healing. This comes through the way of forgiving, letting go, and asking God to come heal what people cannot.

I listen to story after story of incredible hurt, brokenness, abandonment and abuse and silently think, "these people are looking to me to somehow make all this right. I have no idea what to do." And then, I pray, I ask God to show up. As I look back, there were plenty of awkward times, plenty of times when I probably screwed things up - said absolutely the wrong thing at the wrong time and simply just looked like an idiot. But, fascinatingly (is that a word?) there were more times that I look back and God showed up, again and again and again. He would take the broken, scared, and hurt souls and would lead them to that place of incredible healing at the cross. It actually makes me emotional just thinking of how He's been so faithful and that I've been privileged to witness such redemption!

All of this to say, it's my turn tomorrow. Tomorrow (Wednesday, March 31) I will go and sit before the team that I minister side by side with and will pour out my heart and my guts and then I will look at them expectantly as to where in the world we're supposed to go. I have to say, I AM SO READY!!!

In this season, I feel like more than ever I've come face to face with my shortcomings. My weaknesses, my shame, my fears...And they are so heavy, so ugly and I'm tired of dragging them behind me. They stink, they're old and they weigh a ton. I'm ready to take them to the cross. I'm totally expectant of the Lord to show up, because that's what He does.

I've ministered to pastors, worship leaders, CEO's of big corporations - and the leaders all say the same thing, "I've never had a safe place to tell anyone this and get help." The fear that if anyone knew, they would lose everything. As a leader myself, I've decided, I want Jesus more.

If you think about it, pray for me tomorrow. Pray that my heart will be so tender and so sensitive to the Lord. I want to hold nothing back. If He doesn't have my whole heart - I will never be able to live a life worthy of His name.

First Maple Bush Experience

2010-03-14T16:39:00.000-04:00

There's nothing like sitting down to a yummy homemade breakfast with REAL Ontario maple syrup! I enjoyed trotting through the bush with friends Cristy and Tim to get my real Canadian experience - the sugar bush!
This syrup farm, is quite extensive and so (obviously) don't use the archaic way (the bucket on the tree) rather they run lines and you can actually see the sap running from thousands of acres of wooded maples. It runs into the "sugar shack" which is not really a shack but a huge building where huge boilers boil, boil, boil the maple until it becomes sweet and yummy.
And of course, it wouldn't really be Canadian without the whole get-up.

Past Week Highlights...

2010-03-01T17:27:00.000-05:00

I did root for Canada in the US vs Canada Olympic Hockey game (though I did feel bad for the US team). Probably the funnest Olympics I can remember. I think most Canadians felt their patriotism wrapped up in this one game.

I have been ACCEPTED for Canadian Permanent Residence. To clarify: I still love the US even though I live in Canada (don't worry family, my roots will always be the US)!

I don't like downhill skiing or snowboarding. Have tried both and failed miserably.

Warmer temperatures are giving me hope that spring is finally coming!

Leadership Ponderings

2010-02-15T21:06:00.000-05:00

I've started my work assignments for Arrow Leadership. I'm currently reading Henri Nouwen's "In the Name of Jesus." This assignment coupled with reading the Gospels and journaling how Jesus leads has been interesting for me.
Nouwen is speaking of the Christian leader's temptation to lead for power, "It seems easier to be God than to love God, easier to control people than to love people, easier to own life than to love life. Jesus asks, 'Do you love me?' We ask, 'Can we sit at your right hand and your left hand in your Kingdom?' (Matthew 20:21)."

Learning to Skate

2010-01-30T17:05:00.000-05:00

Arlene and Tracey helping me to learn to embrace winter while skating on the canal!

I'm behind the 2 girls in the front. I'm dressed in black.

I recently bought some used hockey skates and am learning how to skate! Learning to take winter in stride and find the joy in the cold temperatures and snowy conditions.

This is my first time ever skating the Ottawa Canal - and I enjoyed the whole experience.

Establishing Credit in a foreign Country - not easy

2010-01-21T13:41:00.000-05:00

I've struggled for the 4 years that I've lived in Canada to start establishing credit. Everyone wants a history but how can you have a history when no one will take a risk to let you get started?
I've had a credit card in the States for about 13 years now. Have great credit history. None of that matters as non of it applies in Canada.

This week, I made one more attempt to meet with my bank and discuss options. It was the Lord's favour - my bank representative totally went to bat for me and worked something out. I think he felt sorry for me. I finally have a credit card!! Whoohoo!! I'm a real resident now ;0)

Life leaves lots of room for learning

2010-01-18T11:30:00.000-05:00

Though God is shrouded in mystery - His mystery is not a mystery to Himself.

Faith is believing that what seems mysterious to me is in fact, not mysterious to the only being to which full comprehension belongs.

Trust is leaning on something so fully that if it falls, I fall.

Choosing faith and trust is hard. But get easier each time...

Not everything will be explained on this side of heaven.

I'm learning to be ok with that.

Winter Critic

2009-12-27T14:08:00.001-05:00

Even the harshest winter critic (such as myself) must admit - winter can be beautiful.

Visual Tour of My Trip

2009-11-07T14:10:00.000-05:00

I've been back a little over 24 hours and am glad to be home. But what a fantastic trip Leslie and I had!

Come journey through my travels with my pictures, videos and incredibly whitty and clever blogging ;0)

The below blogs will give you highlights of my month-long journey. Though the blog starts with England, that was actually our last stop - so you'll have to keep in mind that it will be in reverse as you scroll through.

NOTE - you can click on any picture to enlarge it for better viewing.

Once you've reached the bottom of the page, click on "older posts" to see the rest of my travels.

Enjoy!

England - Warwick Castle, Yorkshire Dales and London

2009-11-07T13:37:00.000-05:00

This is Warwick Castle. One of the best preserved. It has actually been lived in in the last 10 years.
One of the largest catapults still working.
Never too old to play dress up - especially English style.
I wanted to try some good old fashioned British Fish and Chips. We looked up where the best were. Here it is - supposedly the best in England. One word - NARSTY! The best fish and chips we actually had on the trip was made by an orphan in Uganda who had one of the most beautiful hearts I've ever seen.
True to it's reputation, it poured most of the time we were in England. Another essential investment we made while in England were "wellies" as they're fondly called. So of course, I had to buy the pretty pink ones! They are a Brit's best friend.
Just enough quaint to satisfy my Jane Austin infatuation.
So we took off in the rain determined to hike the "footpaths" through the Yorkshire Dales. These footpaths go through the moores, cow and sheep pastures and the crags. This pic is of Leslie crossing into the pastureland over what is called a "style" which allows those hiking to get in without letting the sheep out.
It was a dangerous hike!
Again, the wellies were essential.
That would be a wall going up the hill. Separating the heather from the pastureland.

I was determined to have Afternoon Tea while in London. It was perfect! We had it just outside of Kensington gardens - where Princess Diana lived.
I can be just like everyone else in London riding the Underground. Reading the awful gossip newspapers they give out as you enter the Tube.

Old City of Istanbul, Turkey

2009-11-07T11:53:00.001-05:00

Making yummy bread!
These pictures (one above and the next few below) are all of the Hagia Sofia. One of the most famous buildings in the world. Read my blog post dated on Oct 27 (you'll have to click on "older posts" at the bottom of this page to find it) to find out a wee bit of history of this fascinating building.
You probably recognize this famous mosaic inside the Sofia.

The above picture is the outside of the Hagia Sofia.
This above pic is of the large mosque in Europe - the Blue Mosque.

Made some friends. Had opportunity to share with them. May the Father continue to grow those seeds...
These are men's shoes...I'd love to see some of you wearing these. Talk about confident!
Our favourite waiter. He's breaking the ceramic pot that he cooked our stewed veggies and chicken in over the fire! YUM!!
Loved the little seats and tables.
Still loving and sporting our wet gear. We definitely made a fashion statement everywhere we went. Even wearing the rubber wet pants (thanks so much Linda for keeping me dry).
We LOVED the spice market!

The olives are for you, Andrew.
They sell roasted corn everywhere, so we had to try it. Notice my face (you may need to enlarge it) - very unimpressed. Turns out to be what we call in Canada "cow corn." Yuck!
This fascinated me. These are leeches in this jar. And the sign above it says (according to our cultural informer Eileen) that they are for sale to be used for skin diseases and all sorts of medical treatments. Sounds like a load of something else to me...
Washing feet before entering the mosque for prayer time. The outside of the mosque is lined with this marble footwashing station. Only men allowed to use this particular one. Women have a separate place to wash.

Pics of Italy

2009-11-07T11:10:00.000-05:00

Back to Italy! We landed in Venice.
Hmmm...that seems a pretty risky way to dry clothes.
Love this picture!

We took the train from Venice to the West Coast in an area called Cinque Terra (5 earths). Or in otherwords 5 villages all situated beautifully on the coast and we hiked between each of the 5 villages.
It was high elevation in some parts.
Can you tell Leslie has done this before?
Beautiful!
On the train again.
Italians getting around.
Some of our favourite people! Italian pastors that we work with and their families. Along with Leslie and Tony.
We backpacked the entire trip. I invested in a really good raincoat before I left. I had no idea a good raincoat was so expensive! It was soooo worth the investment. I like being dry!
Florence
No matter how old an Italian is, they always look great!
We always had a bed with our backpacks. Leslie sleeping in the airport.

Pictures of Dubai, United Arab of Emirates

2009-11-07T10:43:00.001-05:00

This was my first time to the Middle East. Dubai was surreal - but not in a positive way. It was definitely culture shock going from the raw simplicity of Africa to the most technologically advanced and probably the wealthiest city in the world. The tallest buildings and most innovative structures (well of this century - nothing beats the perfection of the pyramids) exists here.
This city is built entirely on consumerism. The malls were absolutely over-the-top. Money, money, money...
Only a very small percentage of the city are actually native. Something like 90% of the population are expats.
You would forget you were in a Muslim country until you'd pass a mosque and see the shoes left outside as they would wash their feet before entering during prayer times.
This is the Gold Souk - i.e. the gold market. This entire stretch is all shops filled with gold. Everything pure gold and costing more than a house. They actually had shirts that were entirely made out of woven gold thread. How in the world do you wear something like that?
And you forget you're actually in the middle of a dessert. In order to build the city, they had to install the world's largest irrigation system. Dubai is the second largest consumer of water - second only to the US.
We are about to leave for our sand sufari. Our guide was letting air out of the tires so they could grip the sand. We had no idea what we were in store for...
Check out his Western ball cap with his Muslim dress.
Click on the above picture to enlarge it. This is us in a caravan of SUV's that were actually SLIDING through the sand dunes. It was literally as if we were on a rollar coaster. It was one of the scariest things I've ever done. They build metal into the roofs of the SUV's as rolling it is a very real concern. Our driver was amazing and kept us all safe - but I thought at one point the 3 of us were toast...
The expanse and uniqueness of the dessert was unlike anything I've ever seen. I couldn't get over the beauty of it and the complete desolation of it. There was nothing, nothing, nothing other than sand.
Leslie loves the dessert. She was taking it all in.
They actually tried to get us white folks to belly dance! Ha! It was me, Leslie and Leslie's cousin (Trisha) and a bunch of Brits. Ha! Ha! We looked quite ridiculous and I felt quite ridiculous!

Pictures of Uganda and Zambia

2009-11-07T10:03:00.001-05:00

FYI - you can click on any photo to make it larger for better viewing.

The above picture is of Leslie and I eating lunch with the children apart of Watoto. Watoto works with orphaned children and puts them in a home with 7 other children and a single mother. They provide, housing, food and clean water for each of the homes.
Her name is Precious... and she lives up to her name, eh? She is the youngest that attends the school in Zambia that we visited.
Lunch may be the only meal these children get in a day. So the school provides them with what is called Nshima (ground and boiled corn grains - much like grits). Not much flavour but it will keep a belly full.

I love the African sunset. I don't think I've ever been so close to the sun before on the equator.
Many of you have given money towards the chicken project in Zambia. Here they are at their best! They were slaughtering the chickens while we were there to sell them. The process is, ummm, let's say less sophisticated than how we do in the West. Did you know that chickens make an awful meowing sound when they're being killed? We found that out every morning at 5am for about 4 days. And well, when you only own one knife, that knife is not only used for cutting your vegetables to eat, but also for killing chickens. And it so happened that this knife happened to be a cerrated bread knife - so a little sawing was actually done to slit the throats. Was that too much detail?

Visiting the villages.

This is me with some of the women in the villages. This was one of my favourite parts of our time in Africa.
This rat happens to be one of the smaller ones. Every night they would come out and visit us throughout the entire house. We would wake up to them in the middle of the night scrambling across the floor, in the ceiling above our bed, and in the walls in our room. And one night, we were awakened to the terrible sound of the rats fighting. Did you know they actually scream when they're hurt? It is definitely one of the most terrible sounds - that and the chickens meowing. Quite disturbing actually...

A Zambian Greeting to all of you!

2009-11-07T09:55:00.000-05:00

The reason we went to Zambia was to visit one of ACCI's projects there. Messiah Ministries is an organization started and run by Zambians. They offer help and life in many different ways. They care for those infected with HIV, they foster orphan children, they teach life skills to single mothers, and they run a school for vulnerable children. This video is the children in the school (most are either orphaned or life in extreme poverty) giving you a greeting in their language called Bimba.

Singing in Zambia

2009-11-07T09:43:00.000-05:00

I took this video while we were visiting villages in Zambia. This is one of my favourite parts of the African culture - their song. Their songs are the stories of their life. They tell of the joys, the sorrows, the grief, and the surprises. They pass on their songs through the generations...
The woman leading the song in the red shirt is the head of the tribe (her husband was but he passed away). So she carries the full responsibility for the family. She led us in the song.
Her story is one full of sorrow. She shared with us underneath a tree outside the village in private her story...all we could do was to pray for her.

Istanbul, Turkey

2009-10-27T15:18:00.000-04:00

Wow- what a fascinating city. It truly is a strange mix of the East meeting the West here. Leslie has been taking pictures for me as I just forget to. So I have lots of pics to share, but am on a public computer so will have to post them when I get home.

I have been so intrigued with the secular Muslim culture here. We visited the Hagia Sofia today which was originally built in the 400's AD then burned to the ground and was rebuilt in 570 under Constantine's rule as a Catholic Basilica. This is the structure that has the famous mosaics of Mary and Jesus. When Justinian defeated Constantinople (now called Istanbul) he made the Basilica into a Mosque and covered all the famous mosiacs with plaster. The entire building was changed. And now centuries later, they have turned it into a museum and have started the laborious work of carefully chipping away the ugly plaster to reveal the gold laden mosaics of incredible art underneath.

As I walked through the Sofia today, it was surreal to think of all the history that i was literally walking through and the religious wars and i felt so humbled. I walked through the Blue Mosque as well today which was my first time in a Mosque. It is one of the biggest in the world. You have to take off your shoes and women have to cover their heads with scarfs. And my heart just broke for the millions upon millions who have to have to pay their duty 5 times a day...

The people are overall quite warm - though the men are unashamedly aggressive. Most looking for an addition to their collection of wives.

The food has been fantastic! Turkish bread is wonderful - we watch them make it handmade on a little fire/oven thingy. We had a vegetable and chicken stew that was cooked in a ceramic pottery today over a fire. it was AMAZING!

Eileen has joined Leslie and I for this part of the trip. Her and her husband work in London amond Muslims so she has helped us as a cultural informer.

I had to take a break today from the festivities to take a nap. I skipped out on the famous Turkish Bizarre to take a 2 hour nap. My cold got to me today and I was just done with the throngs of people everywhere and needed some sleep and peace and quiet.

Our hotel room has only 2 single beds, so we've pushed them together and I get the place of honour of sleeping right in the crack of the bed between Leslie and Eileen. Leslie and Eileen both think they are so hilarious in telling people that I am their girlfriend. I corrected them the first time because I told them people would get the wrong idea. I should have never opened my mouth. Now, they think this is the funniest game ever. Leslie tells me when I turn 40, I will think its funny too just because you stop caring what people think...

Traveling...

2009-10-25T08:46:00.000-04:00

We have had a great trip so far...

So much to tell about each culture. Africa was beautiful and interesting. The people and their songs sung acapello, their simplicity, the beauty of the red dust and frustrations of the limited resources and mentality. Rats, rats, rats invading the homes at night. I had no idea that rats could scream...we learned that as we were constantly awakened by their fights and screams...yuck!

Dubai was culture shock...the worlds leading city in technology. Going from simplcity in Africa to over the top in Dubai. Every building was built to create awe. The stores glisten with the top name brands that no one i know can afford. Meanwhile, you see the Muslim veiled faces and long black gowns reminding you are indeed in a Muslim country. So many contradictions to their religion and culture and so much sadness in those who go to find purpose and fulfillment in a very empty city. Too much money without purpose does not bring joy.

We leave Italy early tomorrow morning. We hiked through the Cinque Terra which was fun and interesting. We met up with our Italian pastors yesterday along with Tony. It is always a joy to be with them.

Tomorrow, we land in Turkey. Have no idea what awaits in their culture, but am excited to find out!

We have had great food (though a few questionable things in Africa!) and so far healthy (other than i have a wee cold).

Love to you all!!

Leaving Tomorrow!

2009-10-06T14:16:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day! I'm SOOOOOO excited!
Here's a run down of the itinerary:

Oct 7 - fly out
Oct 8 - arrive Uganda
Oct 12 - arrive Zambia
Oct 16 - arrive Dubai
Oct 20 - arrive Italy
Oct 26 - arrive Turkey
Oct 30 - arrive England
Nov 5 - arrive home

Check back here as I'll try to post blogs periodically.

Getting Ready to go...

2009-09-29T11:58:00.001-04:00

Packing for this trip has been very interesting. The top picture is my backpack. This will be everything I'm taking for myself for this trip. The dynamics that make this packing interesting are:
I will be in 6 different countries
with 3 different climates
2 different seasons
And 4 of the 6 countries have specific cultural/religious dress
And the goal is to fit all of that into one backpack that I will carry with me on the plane. Once we leave Africa, we'll only have our backpacks through Dubai, Turkey, Italy and and England.

The second picture of the big suitcase is the bag I'll be taking to Zambia to leave with the orphanage we're visiting. People have been extremely generous to donate clothing and to buy clothing for this trip. As you can see, I am spilling over with people's generosity, so am trying to figure out how to downsize...

Autumn

2009-09-17T14:30:00.000-04:00

I have a large and a bit neurotic hatred for winter - well at least Canadian winters. For the past 4 years, Autumn has only been a dreaded season because it brings one thing - winter.

However, this year, I've felt the Lord asking me to change my attitude and my heart. Traditionally, Fall has always been one of my most favourite seasons. This year, I no longer want to miss out on the things I love: pumpkins, hot apple cider in a warm mug between my cold hands, the crunch of leaves as I walk, the smell of a crisp morning and cool night, the browns, golds, yellows and oranges, and butternut squash soup!

No longer will winter steal my joy!

Ambitious Me

2009-09-08T17:01:00.000-04:00

This past Saturday, my friend Cristy and I biked over 100 km (roughly over 62 miles) from my front door (in the boondocks) to Parliament Hill. It was a fantastic day - could not have asked for better weather. However, neither of us stopped to think of the consequences that this bike run would have. Over 6 hours of biking (not including walking time downtown).

Needless to say, we didn't get home before dark. It was cold and we ended up walking our bikes the last 3 km home. When I arrived home, I could barely walk, and I was starving!! As Mark Peterkins told me later, "I thought it was an ambitious goal..."

But it sure was fun - and I'm glad we did it!

The Zoo

2009-09-01T09:46:00.000-04:00

I went to the Toronto zoo last weekend. This orangatane (how in the world do you spell that word?) was one of my favourites. He was massive and moved slow like a sloth.

I didn't get a picture of the rhinoceros as he was too far away, but he was also one of my favourites. I didn't realize that their skin is in parts. When he walked, the parts of his skin would move around as if he was wearing an armour...what amazing creatures the Lord has created!

Journaling

2009-08-19T20:03:00.001-04:00

Here are my most recent journals (from the past 3 years).

I started journaling when I started writing. In fact, I don't remember not journaling. It was just intuitive for me. I pulled out one of my earliest journals not too long ago and at that time, life was little worries and big discoveries and my journals reflected that. Entries about the texture and look of the clouds, the smell of dogs and the feel of their tongues licking my face....

Writing has always been my easiest form of self-expression. I've worked hard in recent years to betterfy (is that a word?) my verbal communication, however, writing is still my preference.

My journal, is to this day, my one and only personal thing that is not an open book to people. My journals are written all to God usually in the forms of prayers (this is personal stuff for me to share!) and are truly a window into my heart. When I need to process - I grab my journal. When I am confused, worried, angry, discouraged, bewildered, bothered, scared, bored, or waiting, I grab my journal. When I'm thrilled or excited, I actually don't usually grab my journal (funny enough).

So - this is a little piece of information about how I communicate with God and how I process best. Try journaling - you may get hooked like me!

Why do I control?

2009-08-10T09:10:00.000-04:00

I believe this is woman's greatest enemy - control. I think (in my great theological mind) that it dates back to the Fall when God cursed woman, man and the serpent. Control in women is not usually the overt arm wrestle for power that often happens with men (like Hitler exterminating those who were not "suitable", or Sadam wanting to take over the world) rather with women, it tends to be more manipulative and subtle and therefore more slimy and seductive. There is this intensity inside of women to have everything under control, taken care of and running exactly as we planned.

I've never considered myself a control freak. I've always prided myself on being flexible, easy going about things and non-territorial. This is not the case - as I'm learning much to my chagrin. I like to have the future planned according to what I think is best suited. I like to know that I'm the one making my own life decisions. And I like to know that everything will be ok.

The reality is, I can't even control my own immediate environment, much less the vastness of the unknown of the future. I can't control my own tongue at times, much less what others say. I can't even control my own day. The bottom line that I have to come to terms with is: Life is controlled by something far greater, far wiser and far better than me - the only True and Living God.

So, why is this a constant threat in my spiritual and emotional life? Why can't I just trust in the goodness of the Lord when things don't go as planned?

I guess that is all part of this journey. Learning...

Before and After Pictures

2009-07-17T08:51:00.000-04:00

I donated my hair to cancer patients. I had too much. Still not sure what I think about the new look...

New Found Love...

2009-07-13T10:47:00.000-04:00

Gardening! Mark has been teaching me how to garden this summer. I love it! Pictured above is our fantastic herb garden. I have so enjoyed experimenting with baking and cooking using new and fresh herbs. Made a homemade fresh herb bread a few days ago...wow!
The vegetable garden - tomatoes, green and yellow beans, carrots, and my favourite, radishes. In our other garden (not pictured) are squash, zuccini, cucumbers and a struggling watermelon.
And am learning about potting and planting flowers. It's been a wet, cool summer so the flowers are doing ok - but would be happy with more sun.

I find it absolutely relaxing to be in the garden, smelling the dirt...

Loss, Suffering, Grief, Sorrow...

2009-07-09T10:41:00.000-04:00

I am learning there is something so intimate to the heart of the Father during suffering. Maybe because He watched His Son live a life of sorrow and rejection. Or maybe as Nicholas Wolterstorff says in Lament for a Son that maybe God's splendor is His suffering. Perhaps it's His sorrowful splendor that is too great for humans to look on His face and live...

"It is not therefore true the we become less through loss - unless we allows the loss to make us less, grinding our souls down until there is nothing left...loss can also make us more. I did not get over the loss of my loved ones; rather, I absorbed the loss into my life...until it became part of who I am. Sorrow took up permanent residence in my soul and enlarged it..." Gerald Sittser

Father, may I trust you during this season - come and enlarge my soul even through the means of suffering.

Canoeing the Jock River

2009-06-30T15:49:00.001-04:00

My friend Cristy and I attempted to spend the day canoeing. What we discovered, was that the very part of the Jock River we were hoping to conquer was indeed too shallow. We spent most of the day WALKING the canoe through the ankle deep water and carrying it over the stones through the incredibly gross seaweed and through the thousands (literally!) of crayfish (crawdaddies where I come from).

Alas - we thoroughly enjoyed ourselves! We totally seized the day and had some good conversation and soaked up the warm, blissful sun..

Finishing the Race...

2009-05-28T16:37:00.000-04:00

Here's a video of me 200 meters from the finish line. I'm in the bright green shirt and blue hat.
I ran my personal best for the half marathon - finishing at 2hr and 6min.

It was a beautiful day and a great run. The Peterkins and Andrew came to cheer me on - I'm a happy girl!

Tomorrow is Half Marathon #3

2009-05-23T10:48:00.000-04:00

I haven't trained much for this half marathon (21K) but I have to admit, I love this race. This is the big Ottawa race weekend. There are just under 12,000 of us running in the half marathon. About 4,000 running in the full marathon. They estimate that they'll be about 70,000 people downtown Ottawa this weekend.
I love the anticipation of the run...standing, waiting for the gun to go off with 10,000 other sweaty, anxious runners. Every muscle in your body on the edge...the adrenaline rush...

And then the feeling of "I can't finish. I'm not gonna make it." And just in time you round the corner and there is the finish line. Thousands of people cheering you on, "You're almost there! You can do it! Don't stop!" And for a brief moment you feel like you've forgotten about all the pain in your body screaming at you. And you cross the finish line and the world has just been conquered!

I will send details of the race and post a few pics after tomorrow...

I Can't Fix You

2009-05-20T14:34:00.000-04:00

My whole life I've carried around people. Often on my back, sometimes they hung over my head, and other times, I've felt like they've been chained to my ankles. Weights that continued to burden me, slow me down, ridden me with guilt and have hindered me. I've never felt like I've done enough. I'm 28 years old. Old enough to know that I can't fix people. And yet here I am 28 years old slowly coming to that realization.

I can't fix you, I can't fix your overbearing mom, your negligent father, your prodigal son or your unfair boss. My whole life I've thought this what I'm called to do: Fix the broken. I can't.

As I hold out each individual I've ministered to in my life, I realize, I can't fix them. I can turn them around, this way and that. I can hold them in the light, analyze, discern, discuss, ask, etc. I can't fix them. Do you realize how big this is for me? This changes everything. I am human - not God.

I don't know how this will all look 10 years from now, or how I will walk this out, but I realize, my mode of operation has been broken, to say the least. Lord help me as I accept my humanity. And help me to accept your Divinity - you are the one who fixes the broken. How can I work alongside of what you're already doing?

"...All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then (heaven) I will know everything completely just as God knows me now." I Corinthians 13:12b

Camping across Canada

2009-05-12T12:17:00.001-04:00

My first camping trip across (well part way across) Canada. My friend Erica asked if I would join her driving the caravan (can you see the monster behind us in the picture?) with her for the 3 day drive from Winnipeg, Manitoba to Ottawa. What fun it was! Driving cross country in Canada is not like driving cross country in the States. For most of the drive there is nothing. I did see a real moose on the side of the road!
She drove the diesel truck with the camper sitting in the bed with a 14 foot trailer pulled behind. Not only was this a new thing for us, but to top it off, the trailer was painted with the "5 Signs of a Stroke" done for a campaign to raise awareness for stroke prevention.
We had some great talks in the car together and had some beautiful times with the Lord. We even had ourselves a steak dinner (not too shabby for camping ;0) We camped one night right on the beach of Lake Superior...BEAUTIFUL!!

Emotionally Healthy in New York City

2009-05-12T12:06:00.001-04:00

Recently, I returned from New York City where I attended a conference (I'm on the far left in the picture) on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality with other ministry leaders. Not only was I so blessed to be with a group of phenomenal leaders who teach me by example, but as participated in the conference, I realize more and more how blessed I am that the Lord is continually sharpening me and challenging me to get HEALTHY - emotionally, spiritually, mentally, physically...
How my life will make that much more of an impact the healthier I am.

New York was fun! I got to see the main sights in Manhattan (I did a 6K run through Central Park which was a highlight). And I just enjoyed watching New Yorkers. They really do have a different culture. We stayed at a place in Queens which has a totally different feel than Manhattan. I loved the diversity and all the expressions in Queens and was quite pleased that we had the opportunity to experience that side of New York life as well.

I am a Mac user!

2009-04-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

It was definitely time for a new computer...I even had some of our missionaries very generously send in money for me to buy a new computer. We were all feeling the frustration of the old one ;0)

So, I made the big leap and now have a new Macbook. I'm still on a learning curve and there are still a few tweaks here and there, but I have to admit, I LOVE the Mac. I'm quite impressed with the attention to detail and the precision and the possibilities that a Mac possesses.

It's a beautiful thing...

Humbled by His Faithfulness

2009-03-13T17:14:00.000-04:00

I walked away from Italy this week so incredibly humbled by the Lord's faithfulness and how He met so many people that we ministered to. We worked with 3 different churches in the cities of Parma and Trento. We felt so privileged to be able to come alongside each on their journey and walk with them for just a short period. We were able to encourage and uplift, we did prayer ministry, youth ministry, worship workshops and simply were just a friend and a listening ear.

This is what I love to do! I love being apart of building the church! And I feel like it is such an honour to do it! And oh! The cheese and coffee...wow!!

Leaving for Italy!

2009-02-23T14:29:00.000-05:00

On Wednesday I leave for Italy for 2 weeks. I will be meeting up with my boss, John Haley, his family and Ann Hinrichs (on the ACCI USA board).

We'll be traveling through Milan, Trento, Verona and Parma. Please pray for us as the purpose of this trip is to come around the churches, people and projects that we partner with. We really desire to support, encourage and minister to the leaders.

This is what I love to do...

People Mess

2009-02-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

Something I am learning about myself is that I love to be apart of conflict resolution. This happens to be a good thing as that is part of my job. I work with people therefore, I work with messiness.

I love being able to sit down with individuals and leaders and to take the time to healthily work through issues, work through forgiveness and ask the Lord for His heart in the situation. I don't mind confrontation - in fact, I appreciate when everything is laid out on the table and people are honest. Emotions used to be a bit awkward for me, but I'm finding the more I work with people, the more I'm encouraging people to not hold back if they're feeling hurt or angry or sad...we all need a good cry, and sometimes we need to let off some steam (in a healthy manner). Raw emotions (though they may be a little awkward), are incredibly important in the healing process.

Over the past few years, I've had the privilege of working with leaders all over the world with my work through ACCI and since living in Canada have worked with church individuals that have helped teach me how to cultivate resolution. Even in my personal life, I have been privileged (yes, it is a privilege even though it is very painful) to walk through some pretty yucky stuff that I'm still learning how to be faithful and obedient in the midst of. There is hope in the messiness.

My very profound conclusion: People mess isn't messy to God. He's bigger than that.

The best part of my day...

2009-01-16T15:51:00.000-05:00

This morning I got up before the sun and went to look at the thermometer that hangs outside the kitchen window. -34C or -29F. In my books, that's inhumane.

I hate being cold so I went for the frumpy-I've- got- on- too- many- layers- and- they- don't- fit- under- my- clothes- properly look when I got dressed.

I step outside and can't help but cough. The air is so cold that it freezes itself. It's like trying to swallow steel when you try to suck it into your lungs. My nose hairs froze instantly and it made me sneeze. I run to start the car as I knew it would need time to heat the engine up.

I had to ram my bum into the car door 3 times before the door unfroze enough for me to open the door. However, the door would only open about about a foot and a half. So I had to turn sideways, with all my layers on and suck in and squeeze myself through the door onto the front seat. After 4 tries of the car not starting, I crank it again and push the gas pedal all the way to the floor. The clutch was sticking so I had to give it a hard punch with my honkin' big snow boots to get it to cooperate. The car lights dimmed and I thought for a second I was defeated by my cantankerous car...but then I heard the whine, and the engine screeched at me (I was quite aware this was too much to ask at 7am on a bitter cold day from my car) and it started. Content that I won that battle, I reached to turn the heat dial. It wouldn't turn. I had to take off my mitts and use my fist to get the dial to turn 3 clicks to the right. It bellowed and burped and sneezed and coughed at me, i thought something was going to catch on fire. Then a torrent of bitter cold wind blew in my face. My car was not happy. But neither was I. I got out and had to close the door twice before it clicked.

It took half an hour for my car to heat up. Environment Canada doesn't like that too much.

Somehow the power steering fluid never unfroze. So, during my whole drive to work I had no power steering. Cars were honking at me as I was frantically grinding the steering wheel around and around to get the wheels to turn.

I decided, a Starbucks americano coffee was what I needed. That was the best part of the morning.

The high today was -20 Celsius. And this is where I want to live permanently???

Celebrating 2008 and Looking Towards 2009

2009-01-10T09:02:00.000-05:00

Celebrating 2008 Accomplishments:

Began the process of making Canada my permanent home
Was able to buy in cash (because of your generous love and support) a beautiful "new" car
Have watched the Lord provide enough financially to pay all my bills, when it should've been humanly impossible
Ran and completed my first Marathon (a feat I never dreamed this short little girl could do)
ACCI started moving into the area of coming around ministries and businesses initiated and fully run by Nationals (this is very exciting to see)!!!
Watching my family grow up
Being able to walk with so many people who model such lives of generosity and Christ-likeness

Looking Forward to 2009:
I have felt the Lord preparing me for numerous things in 2009, but one thing I do feel free to share is that I feel He has asked me to "Live a lifestyle of forgiveness." I thought I understood forgiveness, but realize there are depths and places of surrendering that He will be taking me through that I've yet to experience. And my desire to not say "NO" to the Lord when He asks me to forgive in situations where it feels almost impossible to do so. This year will be a place of extreme character development. I want to be faithful more than anything else.

On February 25, I will leave to do ministry in Italy for 2 weeks. I'm really looking forward to this time to come alongside of the churches and individuals in Italy who we've been working with for years now.